Riot in Denmark 'n so forth 'n so on.....

I wuz thinkin’.....well, actually I was in that twilight state between wake ‘n asleep, y’know when you’re beginning to wake up but you’re still trying to sleep (did’ja ever get the feeling that ya wanted to go, etc)....’n I was thinking (or dreaming) about unintended consequences ‘n how they’ve affected humanity all these many years....(I know it sounds like deep tho’ts but bear with me cuz I ain’t that deep, which you prob’ly already know)....anyways, I was thinking about a kid building a dam on a small creek somewhere out in the boonies ‘n the effect it c’d have on people, places ‘n things elsewhere.....like blocking some essential something or other that was s’pozed to run into a big river ‘n then to the ocean to provide a food source for a band of people in an isolated situation on the other side of the world ‘n the whole thing ends up causing a riot in Denmark.....
Now almost anyone with half a brain knows that actions have consequences, ‘n knowing that, you also know that actions have unintended consequences ‘n the trouble with unintended consequences is there simply ain’t no way to plan for ‘em...cuz of course, you didn’t know they were gonna happen ‘n that’s why they call ‘em unintended....I remember this ol boy back in the sixties whose parents bought him a 7/11 store so’s he could have a job...one day a salesman was running his mouth (as salesmen are wont t’do) ‘n told him he should get himself a gun to keep under the counter, y’know, for protection ‘n stuff....well, it sounded like it made sense so the young man bought a gun ‘n put it under the counter near his cashbox....’n of course, one night another young man walks in the door ‘n puts a gun in the young owners face ‘n demands all his money.....as the young man told it to me later, “I reached for the money box. I don’t know why I picked up that gun, I didn’t mean to.” What he did was pick up the gun ‘n shoot the young bandit dead in his tracks. When the police investigated, they found that the bandit had brandished an unloaded weapon. Well, y’know, if he hadn’t gone in to rob the store, he wouldn’t have got himself killed but knowing that he was legally in the right didn’t help the young store owner who managed to stay in business for about four more weeks. I never did find out where he ended up....Oh, the store owner was 23 years old ‘n the bandit was 22...both victims of unintended consequences altho’ I suppose y’could say that if either one of ‘em had given the matter enuff tho’t beforehand, they prob’ly could’a seen what was comin’......

Barefootin'......

It was pointed out to me by a dear friend that panic attacks are not really funny 'n that we're all getting older 'n should expect at some point to have a blowout.....'n that's prob'ly true but if you can't afford a new set of tires, you should keep your tires properly inflated, drive in the slow lane 'n watch out for obstacles...'course, you could just pray for a slow leak that'll let you down easy...
"Laugh, 'n the world laughs with ya...etcetera, etcetera, etceterah!"  to semi-quote King Mongkut....or sumtimes, it just plain laughs at'cha 'n when it does, I've learned that when you have egg on your face, you c'n bet that somewhere, at least in Ol Fair Oaks, there's a chicken cackling 'n when that happens you should have a little dog to chase her away.....as far as aging is concerned, people are like wine 'n cheese...some develop a fine bouquet while others...well, not to put too fine a point on it, some of us get vinegary 'n smell funny.....on a more serious note, I should point out that panic attacks have been rare in my life 'n like most rare experiences, should be savored....the ubiquitous 'they' say "that which does not kill you makes you stronger."......I wouldn't swear to the veracity of that but when Richard Pryor told of his heart attack 'n of the time he set himself on fire, I found myself crying with laughter at a man who could experience so much pain 'n still find the strength to fight back with humor...my few little panic attacks were brought on by my own stupidity, sort of like casting my eyes toward heaven while walking through the area of my yard that my dogs use for a bathroom...makes for messy shoes, y'know.....
Life is a serio-comic journey, fraught with peril 'n if you don't watch where you're going you can end up spending a lot of time cleaning your shoes...or you could just go barefoot.....

Panic's a hoot!

Okay, so I’m claustrophobic....who knew?....I think the last time I had a panic attack anywhere close to the little hissy fit I threw in the MRI machine was ‘way back when I turned 30 years old.....I had always claimed that I didn’t expect to live past 30 ‘n I spent that p’ticklar birthday in the hospital....I did a lot of that back then...
time in the hospital, I mean....what I suffered from was a misdiagnosed case of Valley Fever that kicked the crap out’a me...anyways, I was in hospital on my thirtieth birthday ‘n became convinced that I was gonna die.....it was the middle of the night ‘n I was having chest pains ‘n I just knew I was a dead man....I called the nite nurse ‘n explained that I was having a heart attack ‘n death was imminent ‘n she replied that she was a little on the busy side ‘n didn’t really have time to bother with my imaginary illness....I lay there in the dark with my heart going about sixty miles an hour (which was pretty fast in my ‘way back when time) ‘n waited to die....’n waited...’n waited ‘n am still waiting.....’ny rate, the panic ceased somewhere in the darkness ‘n never returned.....until I found m’self in that blasted MRI machine with the Hannibal Lechtor mas ‘n the klaxons screaming in my ears....’n I didn’t just hit the panic button....I threw my whole body at it....I’m reminded of that Dylan Thomas line that says, “Do not go gentle into that long night, but rage at the closing of the light.” Well, I raged ‘n then some....I screamed, I cursed, I kicked ‘n generally came unglued until the man let me out....’n then I refused to go back in.....they offered me drugs but I refused....I told them that there wasn’t enough valium in the world to get me back in that tube.....ah well, I s’poze if a body lives long enuff, he’ll find his own personal Waterloo....maybe more than one.....which brings me to why I’m sitting here at the ‘puter at four in the AM when I should be sleeping like a log....I was all wrapped up in my pillows (three of ‘em even tho’ Millyrose laughs at me) with the blankets over my head when I woke suddenly with the certainty that I was back in the MRI ‘n came up out’a bed fighting the blankets ‘n pillows, kicking the dogs ‘n trying to breathe....evidently panic caused me to stop breathing.....may be a form of sleep apnea, I dunno...but my pulse was doing that racehorse thing...I had that cold little knot in the pit of my stomach ‘n what I wanted more’n anything was a cozy barroom, a friendly bartender ‘n a glass of Jamison’s....oh yeah, ‘n maybe a cigarette.....I’ll tell’ya, panic’s a hoot!

.....the better part of valor.

Big article in t’days Bee about the newest exercise to capture the hearts ‘n minds of exercise freaks ev’rywhere.....’n it’s one I haven’t tried for years...’cept we didn’t call it exercise way back then, we just called it fun.....y’gotta remember I grew up twixt the hills ‘n the river so if we weren’t roaming the hills, we were on the river....if mem’ry serves, we commonly referred to ourselves as River Rats...we played on the riverbank ‘n in the river almost constantly during the summer months ‘n among the things that we did, well what most poor kids did back in that golden age, was to use the tools that God provided as toys...’n one of the toys that He provided on the river was flotsam.....y’know, things that float....’n one of the many things that floated downriver was logs...logs of ev’ry size, shape, etcetera....’n of course, one of the games we played, that we actually copied from some B-movie, was log-rolling....there was never anything complicated about log-rolling, no rules or anything like that.....you stood up on a log ‘n as it rolled underfoot, you did your best to keep from falling....now, of course, we all fell....that was expected....it’s just that the ones who were good at it lasted longer than the ones who were not so good....’n, as Baretta once famously observed, “That’s the name of that tune.”
Sighhhhhh......it’s raining again....

Home from Hospital......

Talk about your Sunday mornin' comin' down........Rusty got me up round about five in the AM to let him outside.....I got on the 'puter 'n checked FB 'n AOL 'n played some Solitaire....went back to bed around six...it was a quiet morning 'n I slept in until about 09:30 or thereabouts.....after waking, I lay there for a few minutes just enjoying the warmth, then I stretched a bit, sat up 'n put on my slippers 'n stood up......felt dizzy 'n topheavy 'n damn near fell down....grabbed the walls for support, switched to a dresser 'n the bed, grabbed a cane that I had hanging from the bookcase 'n hobbled into the kitchen where I sat down 'n checked my blood pressure, then my blood sugar....both in the normal range...Millyrose wanted to know if I wanted to go to the ER but I said 'No!".....Then I felt my head....funny.....really funny.....told Millyrose, "Maybe we'd better go to the ER after all!"
Seems I'd had a small stroke.....not a TIA which would've been bad enuff but a small stroke.....So at ten:thirty in the morning, we're at the ER.....'n at twelve:thirty, two;thirty, four:thirty 'n five:thirty....'round about six or so, round 'n round the hallways we go finally ending up in the Emergency Room.......so I'm taped up 'n shot up 'n maybe even felt up, I ain't sure 'cause I got on those half-naked hospital gowns 'n I've already popped enuf pills to have lost track of 'em.....I'm hooked up to a heart monitor 'n they don't want me to have real coffe so I pass on the faux stuff.....I making a joking complaint to one of the nurses that comes thru to read my biography on the computer 'n she says that ain't right 'n runs off to get me a cup of 'real' coffee.....I'm not gonna bore you with the details of the next couple days (and nites) except for my sad tale of the run-in with the MRI.....'n I'll shorten it...I joked with the operator that if it was brother John, he'd have drawn the line when they first placed the Hannibal Lecter mask on me but I'm much cooler than John......then, the taped me up 'n hooked me up and slid me back into the MRI....."Close your eyes" he said. "It's much easier.".....So I closed my eyes......for about five minutes, then I opened them 'n momemts later began to scream for release.....told them I would never under any circumstance get in one of those things again.......the next morning, after a drug induced sleep 'n enuff Ativan to knock out a horse, I tried it again.....unfortunately, I wasn't a horse 'n the Ativan didn't knock me out so I got part way thru again before they gave up and hauled me out.....I'm told that, "Well, we didn't get all we wanted but maybe we got enough." At any rate, I'm now recovering at home......'n just so no one will really worry about me, it really was a small stroke 'n doesn't seem to have affected me much at all......Better daze.......J.O.S.

Ah, but I digress......

T’is the calm before the storm (I think)....’ny rate the rains are s’pozed to start t’morra ‘n last for a week or a little more...T’day, however, is overcast ‘n calm, a quiet Saturday here in the village....bought a new bed...a metal one....haven’t had a metal bed for years ‘n years, back in my ‘way back when time, as a matter of fact....must’a been in the winter or spring of ‘52 when we left Beattyville ‘n moved up t’road by the Post Office.....I had an upstairs bedroom all to m’self ‘cuz it had a closet ‘n my two brothers were scared of Ol Shinyeyes who was s’pozed to live in closets...I don’t know if I had the bed before that or not, I simply don’t remember....but it was a 3/4 bed....I don’t think you can even buy mattresses in that size anymore....ANYWAYS....agreeing on a bed took awhile....heck! agreeing on most things takes a bit of time but somehow we’ve managed to stay together for over fifty years in spite of (or maybe because of)
our disagreements....but it’s a good-looking bed ‘n it goes well with the rest of our somewhat eclectic furnishings...
All of which has absolutely nothing to do with the coming storms.....

El Nino is comin' t'town.....

El Nino is coming....or at least, that's what they say....'n it's gonna be wet....very, very wet.....maybe even, God willing, drought-breaking wet.....it's coming from Japan or thereabouts at about 240 mph, roaring across the Pacific with but one tho't....inundate California...if I had an ark, I'd go sit in it 'n just wait to see where the flood 'ud take me...now, the rain ain't s'pozed to get here for a couple more days but the skies are dark 'n lower'ing like the moment in the bad horror movie when the dread music builds to a crescendo 'n the dumb kids go traipsing merrily into the dark basement.....if you're a ski-freak or if your livelihood depends on the largesse of ski-freaks, you should be rejoicing 'cause according to the forecasts, the mountains are gonna get another six feet or more of nice, wet, fresh snow....there'll be whiteouts on the roads, valley idiots'll be stacked up on mountain roads wondering what the hell happened, tow-truck drivers, chain installers, 'n mountain gas stations will celebrate 'n the already over-burdened CHP will be working overtime....I, however, will not be there. I'll maybe get a little wet from walking the dogs who gotta go whether it's raining or snowing or whatever....but that's okay, I'll just put on another pot of coffee 'n listen to the rhythmn of the falling rain...

Sunhine 'n oranges

Ahhhh....Sum dayz, ya just gotta love California....sunshine, blue skies 'n walkin' da boyz down a perfectly quiet little street.... unlike Florida, my oranges didn't freeze so I c'n pick breakfast right off the tree....'course, I'm overlooking the fact that right over the hill (within earshot) is a line of bumper t' bumper traffic at ten o'clock in the AM....makes you wonder what in the world all those people do for a living....the traffic is even worse during the prime commute hours....then it's bumper t' bumper 'n stop 'n go...unemployment is outrageous, 'most of the state workers have taken severe pay cuts, gas just keeps going up in price, stores that were open yesterday will be closed tomorrow 'n still the cars keep moving back 'n forth....(in the streets, the women come and go, talking of Michaelangelo...) Still, remembering that yesterday is gone, tomorrow is just a promise 'n all we have is today, things could be worse....I told my buddy Vic to cheer up, things could be worse 'n he cheered up 'n sure enuff, things got worse...
'course, according to Vic that's the way his life has gone since inception...it's a wonder he managed to live so long....
ah well, the fricken chickens are crowing 'n clucking, the squirrels are chasing each other up 'n down 'n 'round 'n 'round, the sun is shining 'n my dogs think the worlds belongs to them.....'n they may be right!

Sunshine on my shoulders.....

It rained pretty good last nite....Rusty got me up 'round 2 or 3 in the AM...I took him out 'n stood on the porch while he made up his mind to venture into the wet...it was warm 'n all I could hear in the whole village was the sound of rain....well, mostly rain pouring off my roof into the holey gutter that makes for cascading streams of rainwater....ah well, woke up this morning to sunshine, blue skies 'n puffy white clouds...tee-shirt weather 'n me 'n the boyz strolled down the street to check out the fricken chickens 'n the squirrels...Rusty stays pretty clean but Willie is built closer to the ground 'n he loves the mud 'n the wet leaves 'n grass 'n he reminds me of Pigpen of Peanuts fame...I threw him in the tub when we got home...I wish he c'd learn to take a shower or sumthin' on his own.....ah well, dogs y'know......

'N the rains came......

well, actually not so much rains as just rain.....y'know that stuff that so gently falls on the just 'n the unjust alike...the slightly more than virga but less than the really wet rain that they get back east...y'know, east of the mighty Mississipp....'n it's warmer for which I'm grateful....I was getting tired of the cold 'n it didn't even hold a candle to the cold that the rest of the country is going thru..like, we didn't have the below freezing temps that the rest of the world calls 'cold'....but we had the fog 'n the chill that seeps into your bones 'n makes you dream of the sun.....ah well, Spring is comin'......

MORE SNOOZE NOOZE.......

It’s still foggy ‘n yucky outside but it’s warmer here than in most of the country ‘n if I had a mind to, I c’d just climb in the car ‘n head for the high country.....well, not so high as to run into the snow but up in the foothills, maybe Auburn or thereabouts where the sun is shining ‘n blue skies abound ‘n people are wearing sunglasses ‘n you know that you’re in California.....
Christmas is over ‘n down comes the tree....’bout time, I s’poze tho’ all those lights sure brighten up a gloomy day ‘n this time of year northern California c’n certainly be gloomy....one of the good things about being old is that I don’t have to go out ‘n play in the fog anymore....like brother John sez, “Just make another pot of coffee ‘n gaze out the window ‘n think how pretty the snow is.”
Those tule fogs c’n be bad...I remember the CHP would run convoys escorting travelling folk thru the fog....one nite I was on a side road that crossed the Stanislaus (I think) river...the fog was so thick that I put the truck into 1st gear ‘n stood on the running board following the center line in the road....I drove right thru the middle of a wreck...right past an officer holding a lantern up ‘n staring me in the face...if they hadn’t had the vehicles off to the side, I’da hit ‘em....well, it ain’t me out there any more but somebody is out there trying to make a living or maybe just trying to get home....
I know we need the rain ‘n the snow ‘n if we had a year of way more than normal precip, it wouldn’t hurt us at all since we seem to be living in a land of almost perpetual drought.... we Californians spend our water the same way our Legislature spends our money.....eat, drink ‘n be merry for t’morrow, God willing, there’ll be another gold rush.....g’nite all ‘n don’t let the bedbugs bite......

More weather nooze.....

or snooze, if ya prefer......
I'm tired of the fog....'course, it don't take a whole lot of fog to get tired of it....a few weeks'll pretty much do it for most ev'ryone..
anyways the weather guys(all of 'em) keep saying as how all's we need is some rain to wash the fog away but they all agree we ain't gonna get any rain for another week or so.....that said...Willie wanted to go for a walk 'n of course Rusty wanted to go too, also, as well.....so I dons me fleece vest 'n me weatherproof hat 'n off we go....."A little damp" I mused, as we stepped off the porch, "but it's just that low-hanging fog. Virga!" Except as we walked out from under the live oak tree that covers the front of the driveway, I got hit in the face by....wait for it.....rain. Unmistakeably rain. Wet rain. 'N the street was covered by raindrops 'n very quickly developed that black sheen that signifies to all but the most clueless that "Baby, it's wet outside!".....so I disappointed the dogs berry, berry much, thank you 'n returned to the house to post this update.....also to make another pot of coffee 'n commiserate with brother John who lives in Kansas where it's cold 'n snowy....poor boy!

Weather nooze....or not!

It's a new year, a new day 'n the sun is shining....It's such a nice day that I walked 'da boyz' twicet....the fricken chickens didn't know what to think the second time around but Willie loved it.....
We're having what has been characterized in the weather news as a 'normal' northern California winter...50o weather, overcast skies 'n foggy nites.....if things keep on this way, it should be Spring in about six more weeks....won't hurt my feelings at all...'n if we get those Spring rains often enuff, we'll maybe stay green around here clear into June or July....then, it'll get hotter than the very gates of Hell....in other words, normal Sacramento weather.

Have you ever wondered.....

I like buttered toast. I’ve always liked buttered toast. My Mother liked buttered toast. She made it in the oven, a loaf of bread at a time ‘n served it up with cocoa to me ‘n my brothers. It’s a comfort food ‘n I'm not gonna apologize for liking buttered toast. Or cocoa. And I think margarine sucks big time. All margarines. Any brand you can name. I can, if pushed, accept some of the butter mixes. Not the butter-flavored mixes, mind you, but the ones that are mostly butter with a little canola oil or whatever that makes them more spreadable but I've only had them under protest 'n because I'm basically a wuss when it comes to my wife. But not dieticians. I don’t think you can put much faith in dieticians. Dieticians are absolutely and without bias, among the most ridiculous people in the world. Anyone that can look you in the eye 'n keep a straight face while advising you to eat half of a banana or to throw away the yolk of the egg should be a terrifying object lesson to the rest of the world that anybody who makes it to middle age and is still the same size that they were in junior high should never be allowed to assume a position of power over anything or anyone... especially anyone...or pets....they should not be allowed to have a live pet....maybe a pet rock but nothing that runs 'n plays 'n eats 'n poops...I’m just sayin’...
But back to butter.....Butter is made from cows, real cows....margarine is made by laboratory rats, the same people who brought us global warming 'n made Al Gore a multi-millionaire...And did you ever notice that Al Gore looks like a cardboard cutout of himself...’Course, you c’n tell by looking at the way his weight fluctuates that he doesn’t put a lot of stock in dieticians...I only put that last bit in there because I was taught that if you couldn’t say something nice about a person, you shouldn’t say anything at all......

How many dogs.....

... Does it Take To Change a Lightbulb?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned out bulb?"
BORDER COLLIE: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. And, paint the ceiling, and..."
DACHSHUND: "You know I can't reach that stupid bulb."
ROTTWEILER: "Make me!"
LAB:"Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?"
MALAMUTE: "Let the Border Collie do it. Let the Lab help. You can feed me while they're busy."
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: "I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture."
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry."
GERMAN SHEPHERD DOG: "I'll guard the socket while somebody does it. GRRRR..."
COCKER SPANIEL: "Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark."
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: "While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa."
BOXER: "Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark......"
MASTIFF: "Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark."
CHIHUAHUA: "Yo quiero Taco Bulb."
SALUKI: "Well, someone had better change it soon, I am way too pretty to sit around in the dark."
IRISH WOLFHOUND: "Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and . . "
POINTER: "Show the Border Collie where it is! See it? There it is! There it is! It's right there! Look UP!"
GREYHOUND: "It isn't moving. Who cares?"
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: "Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?"
HOUND DOG: "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
CAT: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of THEM. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Twenty-ten!....I think that’s what people are gonna call it now cuz it’s easier than saying, two thousand ‘n ten.....not much easier, mind you, just seems t’roll off the tongue a little smoother...
Not that it makes a heck of a lot of difference,
Back when the century turned from 1899 to 1900, people didn’t have any trouble getting their tongues around those p’ticklar numbers but when we left 1999 behind....ah well, we always got to have something to fret about.....
A hundred years ago, the United States was still prattling about ‘Manifest Destiny’....The Grand Experiment of our fore-fathers was working really well for us....we were coast to coast, boom or bust, Johnny come latelies to the dance of world powers....The old civilizations looked down their noses at us, at our exuberance, our new-found wealth, our young muscles that we were beginning to flex around the world...Our national self-esteem was at an all-time high...there wasn’t anything we couldn’t do...so we dallied in Cuba, danced on our border with Mexico ‘n went a couple rounds in the Phillipines.....we strutted our stuff in old Europe in WWI ‘n stumbled ‘round with the League of Nations then buckled down ‘n got real serious after Japan bloodied our nose in the Pacific....came out of that riding high, got the A-bomb ‘n figured that our shit didn’t stink ‘n that Manifest Destiny meant that we wuz spozed t’be the beneficient Lords of the ‘hull damn world.....ah well, men plan ‘n God laughs....This century may be a turning point for the good ole US of A....Rome lasted a thousand years or thereabouts....it’s gone faster for everyone else since then.....we may become a ‘third-world’ country quicker than anyone could imagine cuz ‘manifest destiny’ is a tricky thing ‘n the gods are a capricious bunch given to practical jokes......prob’ly a good thing if we can hang on to a sense of humor about the whole thing....
“He was born with the gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad.” R. Sabatini